Back in Singapore

My dad is finally on Chemo. It is partly my decision. A lot of people told me not to let him go through all the sickening, yet there is a higher chance in controlling his disease for a little while. Leaving him untreated is like letting him carry a time bomb without knowing when it will explode. I could imagine cancer cells are eating up his body, and I will hate myself for life if I did not get him treated.

Seeing or hearing him suffering cramp my heart terribly. These couples of days, he started reacting to the chemo and does not feel like eating, either does I. I am now trying to call him during dinner time to make him eat more by talking to him.

Career, traveling, dancing and many other things suddenly become unimportant to me. I have made several decisions during the week I was in China. Thanks to a few life long friends I spoke to when I was there.

I am gonna go home

I am flying back home tomorrow, anxious and scared. Since I haven’t been back for four years, I totally have no idea what Guangzhou is like, where the roads lead to or even how my relatives (especially my new nieces and nephews) look like. There was once I was asked, do you consider China or Australia as your home? I would say China is my root but Australia is my home. I have been wandering around in different countries for quite some time, it is always good to be home.

My tears almost streamed down yesterday when I hugged my boss and colleagues goodbye. This is not a holiday for me and definitely not a fun trip. Their supports are most grateful and I can’t imagine how much tears I will drop when I leave the company one day. Working in such a good environment is a blessing to me.

相濡以沫

I have called grandma and mum today, I was amazed by the power of love enclosed around these two women. Grandma like a girl in her first love, told me that “your grandfather could go to bathroom properly recently, I am so happy.” I could feel the wide smile on her face. While my mum, like a lovestruck woman, tried to think of all ways to entertainment my dad so he could stop gazing in a hollow end despite she is bearing great pain in her heart. To the other poles end, my aunt is living in discontentment, revenge and betrayal, you could feel the agony from her heart.

Why some people could carry on with lives full of brambles while others throw away good lives with a few stints?

A lot of my girl friends and guy friends worry and complain about their relationships and how they could “hook” their partner’s heart, while I choose to believe things come naturally. Love is something precious and enduring, we should all appreciate it when we have one.

This is my favorite song - I listen to it again and again, never get sick of it:

"Take Me To Your Heart"

Hiding from the rain and snow
Trying to forget but I won't let go
Looking at a crowded street
Listening to my own heart beat

So many people all around the world
Tell me where do I find someone like you girl

[Chorus]
Take me to your heart take me to your soul
Give me your hand before I'm old
Show me what love is - haven't got a clue
Show me that wonders can be true

They say nothing lasts forever
We're only here today
Love is now or never
Bring me far away

Take me to your heart take me to your soul
Give me your hand and hold me
Show me what love is - be my guiding star
It's easy take me to your heart

Standing on a mountain high
Looking at the moon through a clear blue sky
I should go and see some friends
But they don't really comprehend

Don't need too much talking without saying anything
All I need is someone who makes me wanna sing
[Chorus]

Weekend

I could not stay home alone on weekends, otherwise, my tears would drip down endlessly.

I went out to the gym on Saturday, visited several nutritional shops afterwards then talked my dad for one hour before I called it an early night. On Sunday morning, I went for an early easy bike ride from the west to the east before I headed to my dance studio. Now I am waiting to talk to my dad again.

For the past 7 years, I hardly called home. I only looked for my family when I needed something. Now, things have changed.

Sinking to the bottom of the sea

I have received the Singapore leading Oncologist diagnosis based on my dad’s medical report. My heart sunk to the bottom of the sea, grasp stroke deep inside one after another. I almost could not make it for the day – body went cold, headache, and tears busting out. I find it really hard to tell my family what the doctor said in the email. My poor mum, she rumbled to me after the diagnosis that “It is very hard to bear this while I have to pretend in front of your father that everything is OK.”

I have found myself changed significantly since last Saturday. When I was undergoing antibiotics, I could hardly stand the side effects and cried out several times. Imagine it is a chemo! I really don't want my beloved father go through the painful treatment and in the end only got spare for 6 more months. It is a decision our family has to make. Suddenly, I feel have grown up from a play-play girl to a responsible person. The home relies on me now. I have to take care of my dad, mum, and grandma. At the end of the date, I will have to comfort all of them despite I myself bearing great sorrow within.

I am their pearl in the palm since the day I was born. With no choice, I have to act like an adult from now on. All the dancing, traveling, and freedom become not that important anymore. You know the one you love is dieing and you could do so little to help; the feeling is killing you.

I know what “Stage IV metastatic cancer” means, and I clearly know its survival rate.

Going Home

I am flying back home to see my dad on the 21st Oct, and will fly back on the 29th Oct.

Itinerary

- Speak to Oncologists
- Decide on treatments
- Have dinners with dad
- Spend nights talking/arguing/yelling at dad
- Drag dadto do exercises
- Do a short trip around Guangzhou with mummy and daddy
- Support my mum (with no more shouting at each other)

You Are An ESFJ

***You Are An ESFJ***

The Caregiver

You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first.
A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change.
You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project.
You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people.

In love, you value harmony and mutual understanding.
You will apologize or give someone the benefit of the doubt, if it means getting over a fight sooner.

At work, you are good at building relationships and connecting with people.
You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher.

How you see yourself: Organized, dependable, co-operative

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Opinionated, critical, and know-it-all


What's Your Personality Type?

I am surprised when I get the result of this test. I admit that I am a very caring person for friends and family. Most of the times, I put them on top of myself and I am happy only when they are happy. However, I will never expect myself to be a nurse or teacher. I am teaching now, but it is just a small one-to-one kind of tutoring and I would never be patient enough to teach in a large group. Social worker? Maybe … I would love to work for NGO for a SHORT while since I know how tedious that will be if I really want to be an advocate for welfare and stuff. Kit Chan told me you would be a very good mum/teacher, “I could sense it.” OH, NO! I don't want to be a mother since I don't want to take great responsible for another person I love.