Wrecked by side effects

Since Christmas day, I have been suffering from the anti-biotic side effects; my vitality is almost wrecked to ashes. Tiredness, feeling nausea, lost of appetite, plus the 35-degree burning hot environment, I lose my energy to move, my spirit to smile, and even the drive to think. Lying in bed, unthinkable, I don’t know when will all these end? A hollow body with sickness.

We hired a car, drove down to Mount Macedon range on Christmas day. Not an excited adventure, just spending a day outside Melbourne between us. At the end of the day, my energy was exhausted. Since then, I have been sick and not been able to get out of bed till today.

Christmas Dinner Ingredients

Christmas Dinner Recipe

Human always falls into an orthodox that the more you desperately try to get the thing you want, the more obstacles you have to go through. My family has put pressure on me for five years, in the end, they still can not get me an Australia PR status as THEY wish. Undeniably, I am now sick and have to go to hospital at least twice a month, taking 13 pills of anti-biotic a day and expecting severe side effects happen on me in the next six months. The scar from the Mantoux test is still visible on my left hand, two pin holes are added on my right hand from the Bronchoscopy.

Mum asked me in a dreadful tone to come back home IMMEDIATELY. I refused. I don’t want to leave although I have never liked living here. My tenet is either stay or never. I don’t think I want to come back here once I leave this country.

I am now stuck in Australia. I am not very upset though, as Kenny said, there were many places worse than Australia that you might be possibly stuck in. This is true. Two years ago, I missed the flight in Bangkok and stayed overnight in an unknown motel reception, not knowing what people were talking about around me. I should be thankful, not resentful.

Under 37 degree, I was exhausted, dehydrated on Tuesday after running on my toes to prepare my skill assessment for PR application. I am very likely to be given a bridging visa on an indefinite day, I still need to lodge my application before March.

2005 Christmas Dinner Recipe – Hosted by Cloris Long
Dish: DRUG SIDE EFFECTS (MAJOR ONES)
Ingredients:
1.Liver Inflammation
·Loss of appetite
·Nausea + vomit
·Pain in the stomach (right side)
·Yellow skin
·Dark urine

2.Vision
·Changes in colour vision
·Visual blurring

3.Allergic Type Reaction
·Rash
·Itchy

4.Nerve damage
·Numbness/”pins & needles” in legs and/or arms

5.Stomach
·upset

First Ring in My Life

A medium size airmail package dropped off from a pile of mails this morning. Obviously mailed from overseas and my name was clearly addressed, I could not hold my breath but tore it open swiftly. A gleamy silver ring was lying in a delicate gift box. This is my another year’s Birthday present from my beloved friend, who is now waiting for his application for PHD in Computer Science to be approved in Northern Ireland. The symbol of the ring is similar to the one in Harry Porter, which resembles the power of magic. I wish it could help me to cure my illness.

The worst scenario has been confirmed today; I will have to start my treatment from this Wednesday. Strangely, I feel no distress. I am still Maybe I have been through an anguish time in life and also have seen others being strong in their worst circumstances. Unforeseeable events always come up in least expected. Turning into blue will only make things worse and affect moods of people who love you.

I should start doing things as I feel like to and relax from stressing out to find work. Life is short. I always try to stretch it to its limit and push myself too hard, sometimes even beyond the boundary.

I will be driving to the Hanging Rock area to experience the historical and panoramic rocky scene on this Christmas. Fortunately enough to digg up a bargaining car hiring deal, I am going to spend a Christmas picnic the way I like. On top of that, trip to Tassie has been confirmed. I will be flying to Hobart on the 5th January. YaHuu~~~

bronchoscopy

Graduation

Graduation (Thursday 15th December, 2005) was marvellous. Wearing the gown I have been waiting for three years was sanctified. Lina and me ran around the whole campus, taking pictures as many as we could. Fast forward to the degree conferring moment, my heart almost jumped out of my throat when the Dean announced my name to the chancellor. After three bows to them, I left the stage confidently with three years of hard and bearings, heading towards a future of excitement and challenges.

Not all things were good though. On the same day of my graduation, I had the bronchoscopy early in the morning, and was half conscious from the anaesthetic. My nose was bleeding and throat was soar; I could hardly walk in the morning. My aunt picked me up from the hospital in the end, instead of the initial plan of taking public transport home on my own.

Have to be strong

I have been devouring extra chocolate since I got the bad news from my TB skin test last Thursday, albeit I rarely like consuming chocolate. Chocolate and stimulate a woman’s hormone and make her feel happier, an unknown source told. I had a chocolate McDonald sundae on Friday, then a choc milkshake the following day, and a choc cheesecake on Sunday. I don’t want to worry too much about the consequences of eating sweet, neither does the TB affects on my visa application.

I was phlebotomized four tubes of blood today for my biopsy tomorrow. Early tomorrow morning, I will be injected with anaesthesia and inserted a tube from nostril into my lung to take out tissues for lab testing. At the same time, I have to take four types of anti-biotic pills to cure the disease until I get the result from the lab. By then, if I am lucky, I will reduce to take two types which are more specified to cure the bacteria in my lung. I was told that, this disease can be cured, but will take a significant long of time.

For tomorrow, I have to be strong, because no one will go with me to the hospital although the doctor warned me to bring someone along. No one is free. Everyone has his/her own thing to do, especially before Christmas. Hopefully I will be conscious before my graduation ceremony.

Myer window Dec_05

SOHO

I feel like I am a SOHO at the moment, except for I am not earning any money for doing so.

Life after graduation does not become easier, instead, it is harsher. More financial, social and interpersonal pressures are coming from all sorts of sources. There are heaps of things waiting ahead: IELTS test, TB medical appointments, graduation commencement, Singapore LPR application, Australia PR application, job application, and shopping for OTHERS. Christmas should be a merry moment for everyone, however, not this year for me.

Melbourne weather can indeed reflect my mindset. The day I knew I had the TB disease, the rain was blustering; today was unreasonably pleasant, and I got my result back with H1 and H2A. Oh well, live is unpredictable, isn’t it? There is no point to drive myself into a corner and isolate my thought because I am SICK. No matter what has to happen, let it happens. As a fragile creature, I can merely learn to deal with the unforseen future and live passively but positively.

A chicken under the needle

I was crying like a little chicken when the nurse injected the needle into my skin. I am absolutely a needle freak and scared of seeing a tiny little bit of blood. I don’t know how many more of this still need to be injected or taken out of my body. Today, in the Western hospital, I was told that I very likely to have TB disease and needed to be closely examined in the next a couple of weeks.

Merry lights were flashing on the Christmas tree, quietly. I was the last one waiting in the Clinic waiting room, alone. No one surrounded. Looking through the empty corridor stretching to a deep end, my tears were rolling around my eyelids. I wasn’t worried about my illness at all; it was the feeling of loneliness that upset me. I know there is no one I can turn to: parents are not around; good friends are far away; a five-year friendship recently drained away; and don’t want to let grandma worry. Problem can only be solved by myself; I don’t want to trouble anyone else.

The final pathology result will come out on next Wednesday, the day before my graduation ceremony. I was told that even I was confirmed of having TB, I would be given 6 months to stay in Australia to cure the disease. Given the medical advancement, I would be easily cured by taking pills. This was as far as what I knew.

What is a true love?

Relationship is a tricky matter. Some people will never get it right, some people will never find one, and some will cling on each eternally with brimming of love. I had given enough shit to Ziran as he was being irritated towards the end of the night. He and his brassy friend twaddled women like dispensable extras. These people will never interpret the essence of love and deserve to miss the fortune of having someone by the side. I know that Z always desires for a real love, whereas, he is too smart to put himself down in front of girls. On top of that, he does not understand “sincereness”. He has the common characteristic of most other lawyers – never make a promise with heart.

I imagine myself in two status quos – one is in a high-up position, working wilily, with uncounted cash in the bank; the other one is hard-headed, contentment comes from others, simply with caring and love. Human always need money, cashing up to look for a higher-class life. However, life balance should not tilt to one extreme which may, in the end, lose scale and fall insane permanently.

Work to get what I deserve

I am definitely a sunshine guru. When the weather is hot and the sun shines on me, I really live in a high spirit, looking positively at things around. Melbourne summer is always the best of the year; it is quiet and glaring, cashing up from non-stop working and anticipating for a new start.

After officially finish my education, I am looking forward to make myself qualify for more advanced professional titles. There are two certifications I am currently looking at – the PMP and the CMA. Both are time consuming but worth doing. They are international recognised and can be done on a distant learning/online mode on the entry level. I am thinking to complete the online course while I am in Melbourne, and continue to do the face-to-face course in Singapore.

By the way, a recent decision has been made that I am very likely to apply for the Singapore PR at the same time as I am lodging the Australian one. There is always thing I don’t want to do but have to do it because of many unreasonable reasons. Anyway, as Uncle James said: “Don’t stand too high and plan too far away, do one thing at a time.” Who knows what will happen after two years? What I know is I should appreciate for the people who give me the choice of freedom.

I did two cases in the legal centre last night. For the first case, I was the interpreter for a Cantonese woman. I was very delight that I could use my multilingual skill to help her resolve her distress from being fined. The second case was a Vietnamese couple whose car was stolen. In the earliest discussion with the other para-legals, we concluded that all insurance companies were sucks; they all try to rip you off at the end of the day. Anyway, continue the story. To respond their insurance claim of their stolen car, RACV gave them a hilarious investigation report that “the theft was not being genius” to steal their car. No detailed explanations were given. As the client needed an interpreter, we spent an hour with them to clarify the matter and draft up a letter to RACV via telephone interpretation from the other end of an interpretation service centre. I had, again, experienced the professional way of dealing with a case. For whatever I do in the future, I must have to be fare, honest, clear and responsible.

You cant imagine how tired I am after 15 years of education. For the time being, I am just enjoying this surreal moment of doing nothing. I do send out resume to apply for jobs, but I don’t want to get too stress out of that because I know I can’t do much more than that without a PR status and a professional title on “something”. I know I have to get up and do something soon, otherwise, once the momentum stops I will only end up being frustrating and wryly to the world. There are always people that are genius and can get a good job easily. I have some friends or people I know that have already secured a job with big Companies before they graduate. In comparison, I admit that I am not good enough to get a position like them. However, I know I can do better than I am doing now. Why can’t I work harder to get what I deserve?