Rely on no one

I have to admit failure. After years of fighting and surviving on my own, I am still on my own back after these years of hardships. I still need to take care of everything, ranging from housing, jobs, daily expenses, families, etc. People always desire fun and seek for laughs, how many can really go behind the curtain and see the tears that have been shred. I am the one who shred tears in the dark but carry on with life in the light.

One can’t blame me on pushing helps away; I still believe I can do a lot of things without relying on others. I have experienced times when I desperately needed accompanies but was left alone in an empty hospital corridor, when I financially struggled but was left to work till no feelings, when I was emotionally vulnerable but only heard my sobbing in the dark. Many occasions have hardened my heart and made me trust no one. Could this be changed? It takes patience and times.

Enough of suburban life

I just got my house sort out after running around inspecting houses and competing with bunches of others in the city fringe areas. Finally, I have found somewhere not so bad, most importantly, it is close to the city. I never like living in the suburb; it is lack of the vibrating atmosphere and what suburbia do is to have sex and play with kids – no wonder every household has two to three kids. I should stop complaining now, this item is down on my list, let’s move on.

Job wise, I am still hunting. I could start working tomorrow if I want, but I want to hang on for a bit longer to see if any opportunities will come up this week. I am trying to seek gold in this small town; what otherwise I can thrive on?

My aunt has been urging me to buy a house since I return. She even said today that I should marry someone owns a house. Uninterestingly, I replied: “Sure, help me to find a 50-year-old man. The older the better so I could finish my ‘mission’ earlier and inherit the fortune.” I know I am wild; I may go again after two years. I haven’t had enough of seeing the world yet.

A tough day

I was startled, wearied and angry, despite I have prepared for the worst. My eyes filled with no passion while my body was stiff. That voice has been haunting me for months; I was tired out of the indignant complains, day after day! This is the second time I have to be the one who cuts it off. I still feel the guilt even I am not the one to blame. This is also the first time I hate myself – not for what I have done to him but for why I have chosen him in the first place. “COINCIDENCE” may be the best explanation. My sickness was like a dark thick cloud that blocked my ambitious and wisdom back then. No heart broken, no tears and no good-bye kisses, but yesterday was indeed a tough day for me.

I was injected with CC vaccine! The procedure was surprisingly fast and easy at no cost. I almost worked my butts off in Singapore to market this drug, yet I received the jab like a normal flu injection at a local GP clinic. Anyway, it is always good to protect myself even though I do not meet one of the three main protection criteria.

The earthquake that rocks the country

An earthquake with a magnitude of 7.9 struck Sichuan province last week; I was in that exact mountain region last month! The town we stayed for our first night was destroyed, leaving 95 deaths and uncounted number of injuries. The bumpy road we spent 12 hours on is now blocked by landslides and cracks on some surface. Outside supplies and rescuers are finding it hard to reach the worst-hit areas where some towns are vanished while others are now covered in debris. The magnificent snow mountains and calcified color pools may be damaged by the violent tremor and the already poor district is also facing hygienic environmental threats in post-earthquake time.

The whole China is rocked by the news. TV footage of the rescue troops pulling people out from the rubble are constantly showing while tragic images of young students are being uploaded onto the webs. Tears and devastation are felt across the Southeast Asia region.

Human is vulnerable. You will never know where and how you will end up in just a click – I merely escaped the death this time.

One week back

I am back to Melbourne for one week now. I have kicked the ball rolling and things are starting coming in their ways. In the meantime, my mind has been playing a lot of thoughts: why I am here, what I shall do, what I want to do and how good I can be.

After the short stint in PR, I feel very bewildered if I should continue to pursue my career down the communications track. Obviously I have to put loads of hard work because my language disability – how could I compete with those who were educated and speak the language for their lives while I only started learning the language 10 years ago. On the other hand, I have proven I could do well despite the disadvantage and the extra work I have to put in. Am I willing to go back to my simple and sluggish Melbourne life? No, I don't want to go back to the starting point.

D always told me to set a realistic plan instead of a mirage goal. Well, this time I met him again after several years, our interpretation of life has changed. His ambitious has faded into a hard money driven reality and my believe has driven away with the life windwhirl. That late afternoon coffee time at Brunette seems to become a history.

Several friends ask me why I am back to Melbourne again; even I ask myself what I am here for. Will I be happy? Will I be content? Or will I hate it as I always do? I am trying to adapt whatever is lying ahead because I have made the decision to move back and stay.

Going back again

The past one year is like a dream. I can’t believe one year has already flied away and I am back to the starting point – not quite. Accidentally, I stepped into an industry that I was passionate about and spent time learning from the best talents in Southeast Asia. I have done some traveling in the region and unexpectedly started a relationship that has been long-halted. Astonishing, in October, I started flying back and forth between Singapore and China as my beloved father is found to have a terminal illness. Shortly after Chinese New Year, I have given up my satisfying job and stable life in Singapore and moved back to spend some time with my parents, with whom I feel so remote after seven years of parting. Now, I am waiting to fly back to this continent in the Pacific Ocean. Will I hate it as much as I did a year ago? I don't know. One thing I am sure is I want to do something better this time round.

My parents saw me off at the airport. I tried not to wave them good-bye at the departure gate as I know none of us could withhold our tears. For the whole two months I was with them, they still treated me as the little girl who was clumsy and not capable of taking care of herself. I am stubborn, so is my mum; that creates arguments between us almost every second day. I got frustrated, furious, and upset, yet I was still trying to mend the relationship. It is not something that I can cut off casually, it is a blood-tie that holds a family together.

Being the only and youngest child gives me a lot of privilege, including loves from the whole family. Like many others, while I am at home I complain, while I am away I yearn the comfort they provide. Human is like that, you only treasure the things that you don't have.

I really wish I will see my father again … not in a hospital setting.

Longing for ...

I am a bit under the blue since I came back from Hong Kong. All at a sudden, issues I have been trying to put aside start popping up right to my face. I begin to question my self-confidence, capabilities and ambitious. The courageous that I was proud of a year ago suddenly vanishes inside me. I intuit insecure and feared!

Since I was found sick, I always feel the road is long – I was longing for no more medicines, longing for the day to go to Singapore, longing for the day of traveling, now I am longing to come back, longing to settle down, longing for the 1.5years of confinement in this Pacific continent to end …… Maybe it is a good thing that I always have something to look forward to.

Every time dad coughs or complains about bone pain, my heart twitches. I’d wake him up from the afternoon nap for dinner just to make sure he is still breathing. How can I be so cruel to leave my parents behind and go again?